| Immortal Voices |
[The 21st of November, 2007] |
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Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars |
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For some it's hard for them to fathom the possibility that there is something bigger then themselves. For some they can fathom it and believe in it but fear a connection to it. Others will openly seek a connection, sometimes limited to need and others yet what to become friends with that which is immortal in our eyes. Of course I speak of spiritual beings, Gods and Goddesses or for those that are Monotheists, God. (is it really necessary that I mention that? I certainly respect everyones beliefs be it that they are monotheist, dualtheist, polytheist, pantheist or a mix.)
I do pray. I pray in my own way. Sometimes I feel like I'm heard and other times I feel like they have no recognized me. I don't think it's for a lack of trying on their part. I think it's a lack of me connecting to them. I believe the Immortal one(s) are constantly in outreach.
So yesterday I prayed. I've for a very long time have favored the Greek Pantheon. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was becausei t was the first one I heard about. The Celtic Pantheon has names that seem incridibly hard to pronounce correctly because they have different sounds and stresses based on groups of letters. In a way it's like trying to learn how to speak English all over again. I'm not afraid of work, I just don't understand their system of pronouncing things correctly. I have no leanings to the Roman pantheon. Most of the Roman Gods are based off of the Greek Gods. If I didn't follow Greek, I'd probably follow the Norse Pantheon, and possibly afterwards the Mesipetamian (sp?), or Egyptian. Mind you there are stll other Pantheons one could explore. I'm also willing to accept that the Pantheon that I'm suppose to work with may not be the Greek Pantheon. And if it's not though it may be an adjustment I see no reason why I couldn't move towards a different one, even if it was a difficult transition. But these are my preferences to date.
There are Greek Gods that exist "above" and there are Gods that exist "below" The best way to get the attention of both is for myself to have the palms of my hands face up or down depending on who I am speaking with. If I'm speaking to both those that are "above" and "below" I will have one palm up and the other one down. This is what I did last night.
I've grown tired and frustrated that I have had no direction. And so I prayed. I asked that any God or Goddess that wants to work with me for whatever reason be they above or below to listen to me at that time. and I explained my frustration that I wanted guidence that I wanted to know them to develop relationships with them. It felt right and though I was laying in bed my heart was racing but it felt good. I ended my Prayer and laid there... focused and in the moment.
While laying there I heard my name called by various voices. This would seem strange to many but as far as I'm concerned it's possible to hear the voices of Gods and Goddesses. One has to be open to it though unless they are insisting that something is terribly wrong. They don't always speak with words. They can speak with emotions. The person who is trying to listen though must be willing to accept and hear any response. It's not that easy being comfortable in that position but last night hearing differnt ones call my name made me feel as if I was heard.
Earlier today I prayed again. And I asked them what they wanted me to do for them. That I didn't have a direction. If I had to make my own path then fine. If there was one that was already created to lead me to it. That i needed guidence. I needed to know what they wanted from me. Believe it or not after the prayer, i heard "peace offering" why a peace offering I'm not sure. I don't normally do offerings. and admitedly I think they are kind of silly, but I guess i can't say that until I try. But I still lack the understanding of why they said peace offering. I haven't felt any hostility towards them but it's possible that some may have started to feel hostility towards me. IF that's the case then a "peace" offering would make sense.
I don't expect anyone to understand this. Or believe me with what I've said. I know it's true and that's what is important to me. That's all that matters to me. Nothing has felt off as of yet, and I know that if something does feel off I will say no, or I won't do it. I won't endanger myself or anyone else. It's not worth it to me.
But the experiences were interesting and that's why I'm making note of them. It's not as hard to talk to (the) God(s) as one might initially think.
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| Expectations |
[The 17th of November, 2007] |
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Avril Lavigne - Innocence |
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After I was 18 I no longer called myself a Wiccan. It wasn't a phase. I had a genuine interest in it. I found it to be refreshing in a way to read about something different. At the same time I realized that what a fair portion of Wiccan's believe I do not.
I don't believe in Karma the way that they do. I don't believe in a three fold rule, I don't believe that all gods are one God sometimes refered to as soft polytheism. I don't believe that the things I want in life can be attained through magic.
When I look at Wicca and compare and contrast it to Christianity I see similiarities. There are fundementalists of both groups some so far as saying that if you aren't part of a Wiccan group with direct ties to Britian then you can not truly call yourself Wiccan, but Wiccan influenced. That's like telling a Christian that because you aren't Roman Catholic, you aren't a Christian but Christian influenced. The only thing I can say to that, is that it's ignorant and close-minded.
However, since the time I was 18 and spent a year comfortable with not defining myself with anything except the term pagan I decided I wanted to see what paths may work for me. I've though about it but have found myself become turned off from other paths. In ways i'm fixed to certain things and not quite bending on them I'm not sure if it's fear of change or if it's something else.
For the past few years I've been trying to organize the pieces of what I expect from a religion, how i expect it to help and enable me. I haven't found the right words to express it until earlier today.
For myself I want a Religion that is progressive. It recognizes it's past, it honors it pasts, but realizes that what was useable then may not apply now. Personally i don't want to see things of what is socially acceptable to become beliefs, but it happens, and because it happens thats why I would feel more comfortable with in a religion that can recognize when some things no longer apply and can adapt. I want to have a religion that rather then forces you to believe something because they say it's true and real, you come to believe things because you have exprienced it. Much like in Buddhism that the Buddah said (and i'm paraphrasing here) that "just because i tell you to believe something doesn't mean you should. you should experience it, ask yourself questions about it, see if you find value in it and then in the end decide if you should believe in it." Asking questions about your beliefs and to challenge what you believe should be important. To take things at face value I think is a way of dishonoring yourself. I'm a firm believer that nothing can be a 100% right and a 100% wrong. Decisions are based off of circumstances and for that reason no circumstance is perfect so there is no perfect answer. The place in which a person is in their life and what the circumstance is will affect their choice. Though I don't believe that last one needs to be part of a religion that I follow, I do believe that there has to be room for ones own personal beliefs to be accepted besides their religious beliefs. When one decides to practice a religion and truly practices it it affects their entire life. I also think that science should not be pushed away from religion. I believe they are two means both trying to find answers to the same things, or things that are similar. There's nothing wrong with continuing to tell myths and stories related to a religion but it's best to examine the lessons to be learned and gained verses taking it as hard and cold fact. This happens in all religions not just some. Any religion that has myths has people that take the myths to be fact and not something that could be symbolic or have a lesson to be learned. In the religion, the one practicing should always be accountable for their actions no matter what the outcome may be.
I guess to sum it up I need a Liberal religion. I don't want it to confine and suffocate with me but grow as I grow and give me freedom to grow in the ways that best fit me.
And it may seem judgemental when i say this but I do believe there is a wrong and right way to practice religion. Those that follow with out questioning why cause me concern. I see them as sheep. You can't truly gain an understanding of something unless you feel connected to that belief in some way or form. I can't believe things blindly any more. It doesn't work. If it's expected that I follow things blindly then I wonder what they are actually trying to hide from me. There is danger in it, if I'm not allowed to question what I'm being told.
So what do I expect from a religion? I expect to be allowed to be myself and allow others to be themselves with out there being intolerance. I expect that just because i believe something doesn't mean that someone who follows the same path will believe what i do, at that point in time or ever. I expect to be allowed to grow and let my beliefs mature and change freely as they need to to best support me
I may not find what I'm looking for... and so I may need to "create" it which I can accept. But that won't be my intention at the moment. I will write what I believe, I will throw out the questions I have out into the journal and in which case is me throwing it out into the universe hoping to recieve an answer of some kind sooner then later. If it happens that I see that I'm creating something purely of my own then I will think about what I want to do from there. Until then what I believe is what I believe. I have no name to which someone will have a general Idea of what i believe after hearing it, and I accept that.
It only proves that I'm not a simple person to understand on every level and that my personality can be as cryptic as life is at times.
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| Back, and starting off again. |
[The 8th of November, 2007] |
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Reamonn - Strong |
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To start things off I know it seems like I've abandoned this journal and in a way I did. I was trying to find something that would be comfortable for me to write and express myself and keep things organized. As the last year has gone by since my last entry I've found that having it here is the best option for me. Yes there are better sites for me to use with better features and a better way for me to organize things but this is the place for me. The reason being is that most of my journals are located on Livejournal. The people who I would want to read what I have to say are all on Livejournal. Because this journal is the most conveniant for me, as well as for them, that is why I've decided to resurrect this journal.
Now that that's off the table, on to what I really want to get off my chest and express. Of everyone who knows me they know I respect every religious or spiritual choice someone makes. I don't believe one religion is better then another. I believe that the basic tenants are the same (To be the best person you can be, while remaining to be loving and giving) for the most part. How they go about it, and the details to which they teach it are what defines and creates differences. You'd think that by knowing this we could have a universal religion but that won't ever be the case. This is due in part to different cultures, and different ideas of what is actually right and what is wrong. From what I've been able to tell depending on where you look there are examples of the different ways man has progressed, reaching the point that the western culuture has and is what has giving the western culture a large portion of it's superiority complex, but this is a completely different topic for some other time, and probably not this journal.
Over the last few weeks I've accepted that I no longer know what I am. When it comes to Paganism I haven't really practiced it but I've observed it. I haven't spent a lot of time questioning it, but accepting things at face value which isn't really a good way to practice religion. If you except things at face value with out questioning it, you're walking down a dangerous path, and you're being lead down it out of fear. If you don't question it, you aren't learning the real meaning and purpose behind it in my opinion.
I began thinking about Christianity though. Anyone who knows me well knows quite well that I have nothing against Christianity. I can't hold the crusades against Christians of today, I can't hold every Christian responsible for the negative press that has happened over the hundreds of years. For myself I believe that would show complete ignorance.
I wouldn't at this point be able to call myself a Christian. I do believe Jesus did exist. I believe he felt compelled to spread a message. I can't say I believe in the miracles at this point. I believe that they were embelishments and that what is written in the bible can't ever be completely accurate since it was written over a 1000 years after he was said to exist. To myself, the time he existed could probably be debated, but when he was born and when he spread his message isn't of a huge significance if it was before or after the period we believe it to be.
He is suppose to be the Savior. If we admit our sins and ask for forgiveness and sincerly ask for it we will receieve it. (So you all know I believe that in order to be forgiven you must forgive yourself as well. If you can't forgive yourself for your own mistakes you can not expect anyone else to forgive you, spiritual being or not.)
I have to admit that I have a hard time accepting the savior concept. It's not that I don't believe someone would sacrifice themselves for the betterment of every person to come and who will follow them, but in my own eyes I believe part of the impact of Jesus was to lead a better life. Leading a better life to me, means accepting full responsibility for my actions. I can't ask someone else to bare it for me. It's not a point of pride. It's a matter of what is right to me.
I'm not ever happy with the mistakes I make but I feel it's only appropriate to accept the consequences for them. The more I think about it, the more I believe that when handing over our sins to the Savior is a metaphorical way of saying we have to forgive ourselves.
Even if Jesus didn't actually exist, what surrounds him is strong enough (fictional or real) that it would still be something people could draw from.
I've also had to ask myself lately whether there is only one God or multiple Gods. Is there one God per solar system, per galaxy, or for the entire universe? Is there more then one God? If that's the case what do those Gods affect, what do they affect that area. What is god? Is God a spirit? An energy signature? A concept? Something within each of us? Is there actually no god, but a governmental structure of some kind that creates the "order" that their needs to be?
From there are there beings beneath God? Do they help them (God)? Do they meddle in our lives, or do they watch and keep to themselves? Does God meddle in our lives as well? How does God play into destiny? What is the extent of our "free will"? Where does god exist? On another plane? Is it a plane we can reach before death? (Which in part would mean astral travel) If planes of existance do exist, what governs them?
I have more then enough questions and no answers yet. With out some kind of answers... I can't decide where I belong, or if I belong anywhere. I'm sure there are more questions, but I can't remember them all. It's something to think about.
On that note, I shall part.
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| Visit from Apollo |
[The 27th of November, 2006] |
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Stabilo - Don't be so Cold |
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I tried to write this once, and it was rather confusing, so I'm trying once more.
I have called on different Gods before, and they come to me when I meditate. Conversations are fine and I'll receive answers if that's what I need. Other times it's not me calling them, but them calling me. When that happens it happens through dreams.
One day a few years back Hecate was mentioned to me but it was something that i let go passingly, she just came up in conversation. A few weeks later she was in a dream and telling me to get my act together or I'll have to suffer the consequence she would choose. Although she's stern I have respect for her, and she works with me often. So much so that I can tall her my patroness Goddess.
I don't/didn't have a Patron God though. Well I may end up having to correct that.
Last night I had a very short dream but extremely vivid, so much so I might as well have been awake rather then asleep. I was laying on my stomach and woke up in the dream to see myself surrounded by white feathers I murmured and rolled over to see a hand stretched out me that was the strongest male hand I had ever seen and looked up along the arm to the face that I saw and I was startled. Instantly I realized he wanted me to take his hand but by the time I was reaching to take it how startled I was rang through me deep enough to bring me out of my sleep.
So I had to do some research today to figure out who I encountered because I knew with out a doubt in my mind it was a God. I still don't have any doubts.
So I started looking at different Gods and bird associations (to try and explain the bed made of feathers) and Came across the Swan. There's only two Gods I know of that are associated with the Swan. Zeus and Apollo. It couldn't have been Zeus in the dream; the person I was looking at was young, and had no beard as like Zeus.
So I started finding other connections. Connections to Delphi which I have been drawn to for some time, the swan feathers I saw, and the fact that in the winter Apollo rides on the back of a swan and spends the winter months north - and of course it's wintery where I'm at right now, the appeared age, Apollo being known as the beardless one, as well as me thinking about griffin's lately and griffins being the keepers and guards of the gold in the north where Apollo stays. For me (along with a few other things read) seems like a blaring sign of "Hello! I'm hear to help you." The irony of it is the "awakening" in the dream to him.
Part of me is excited by this because it was unexpected but I have felt that there was suppose to be a patron God for me. Apollo may or may not be it. But for now his presence is known, which is important.
I tried to figure out my patron God one day with my Tarot cards figuring it wouldn't hurt. I asked if Zeus was and I got an odd answer of "yes and no". Artemis has been a Goddess that I have come across in meditation and dreams (meditation first, although it was purely accidental and the only time it's ever happened, but then sometimes some things aren't accidental at all) and she is the twin of Apollo, and Zeus is the father of them both. So there is a connection to the two of them, and Zeus has great respect for Hecate, so much so that I'm tempted to say he treats her as his equal. So there is an interesting twist of connectedness. Yet it's not entirely hard to find in Greek mythology.
So although I've been enjoying looking up information on Hellenism, in a round about way that continues with me gaining a deeper and better understanding of Apollo. It certainly doesn't hurt to be informed.
Until next time may the divine bestow blessings onto you.
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| Magic(k) |
[The 25th of November, 2006] |
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Adema - Promises |
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Magic(k) is something that does interest me. Although I probably need to make amends and correct a statement i've made. I said It's been about 2.5 years since I did any magic(k). Well it's been that long since i did any ritual style magic(k). The Magic(k) I practice normally is all mental.
What I mean by that is that I don't use any tools, I don't call the quarters, I don't invite deities to witness the acts taking place or any other creatures, or elementals. I don't cast a circle either. My form of magic(k) is very simple. If i want something I can obtain it just by thinking it and opening the area's that one connects to within themself to manifest their desires.
I should probably explain two things as to why this works for me. The first being what magic(k) is for myself currently in the most simplistic way of placing it. Basically it's a connection to the subconscious mind which helps create the enviroments you live in, and is what forms the "reality" you live in. Reality is a subjective thing. It's not fact. It's a thing. You're reality is what you make it to be. It doesn't make it's self. it's based purely on your perceptions. So with magic, you're allowing yourself to connect to your subconcious which is creating your reality and instructing it to create around you what it is you desire. That is the most simpliest way for me to put it. Magic seems rather false when you look at it from that point because it's more psychological then it is actually "divine".
Now for many people in order to work with their subconcious they need ritual tools. things that have symbolic meaning to them, or they have read about in books that have created the associated meanings they need to start and end the ritual. Essentially opening the gateway to the subconscious and be what closes it as well. The physical objects used for the spell work are symbolic as well. thats why colors have association, people time things to the moon, objects mean certain things, symbols used mean different things, words in spells can have a symbolic flare such as "with the lighting of this candle may ____ come to be." Words are typically spoken to create focus on your intent, you're suppose to hold in your mind what you want to have happen and do so by holding a visual image of it. It seems like a rather complicated task to fullfill and it takes a few times to get "right". But the most misleading thing is the idea that you need tools at all to access yourself. The basics of casting a circle is opening a portal to the depths of yourself. You can achieve that through meditation. If you meditate at all you can connect to the "deeper" aspects of yourself your subconcious and be able to alter things there. Meditating and knowing how to connect to yourself well enough that you can do it at a moments notice to just a few moments enough to "quiet" yourself you can acheive the ability to use no tools. At least for me thats how it happened, at least partially.
After reading book and hearing them saying if you don't have an athame use a butter knife, a stick anything even your finger, i figured that if all i need was my body, and all i was trying to do was access a different mental platform I didn't need the body itself to do that.
Mental magic for me is just being centered enough with in myself to know what i want to have a focused intention well formed and there is a slight and subtle feeling of release from the conscious to the subconscious if there is no feeling of "release" i know that it won't happen and I'll try again some other time if it's important to me.
When i first realized i was doing it I thought it was an extention of my energy because it started of with simple things like "i want to talk to his person" and within a few hours to a couple of days i'd see that person... i did it in public too. Such as "this person can sit beside me on the bus." or "I don't want them sitting beside me on the bus." I could look at people and know where their bus stops where. It became a mental phenomenon to me. I even used it to aquire things i want. "I want this magazine" I wouldn't ask for it I wouldn't be near it for days and suddenly my mom will come up to me and give me the magazine saying she bought it because she thought i'd like it. I changed it from things i wanted to events i wanted to see happen. I wanted my sister to get this job or that job, my sister to go through one thing or another.
At first it all seemed coincidental so thats why i tested it, and would test it further. It borders along the lines of mental magic and a psychic ability almost.
Honestly, it's not something i go around and tell a lot of people about because it sounds like a load of Hollywood BS. It's more closer to the idea of Hollywood magic(k) then any other type of magic(k). In some ways I'm proud and pleased to have an "ability" as i'll call it to be able to do it. It means I have no restrictions.
One goal of a witch is to be able to do magic with out the use of tools, to actually be able to do it with her mind alone if she can. It's what most would love to do, some try to do, and others give up.
For myself though over the 2.5 years I've come to be unable to do magic in the traditional sense because it seems "false" in some ways. I feel like i've uncovered it for what it is, an illusion, yet at times I want to do magic that way. Partly because it is what seems like the norm. In some ways i feel like a freak because i didn't get much experience with magic and using ritual tools. I've never owned ritual tools or created my own. Unfortunatley for me I missed out on a fundemental and went to the advance and as they say it's always harder to back track then move forward but for one to be able to teach anything to know the full truths of any matter it helps to have some kind of experience or your reliant on what others can tell you and your own assumptions. Thats why it bothers me the way it does.
Along with that it's hard to have an alter where you don't have ritual tools that you use. They become decorations and tools aren't meant to be decorations and i think it would be rather disrespectful to do such a thing. So thats why I don't currently own any. With out working tools, things you use, your alter from the pagan stand point becomes more of a shrine. I know most would say an Altar is the same thing as a shrine but in my own point of view an altar is a working shrine it holds your tools, some invest their own energy into it. The altar is just a much a scared object as the tools that it holds.
And honestly having an altar is something that has been in my mind lately I can invision part of it, and I'd like something that is elegant. Most alters i've seen have missed this elegent feel to it... honestly i haven't found any all that appealing to me. And it's a taurus thing with me that I want it to be as athetically pleasing as it is functional. Most of i've seen have appeared um... tacky to me. I'm not trying to be rude, but i don't like cluttered and loud spaces it's hard to understand how anyone can focus with a space like that. But I see them as also places that are very strong representations of who the person is. But for now that's all i have to say.
Until next time may the divine bestow blessings onto you.
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