divinephoenix

Immortal Voices

2007-11-22T06:46:12Z

For some it's hard for them to fathom the possibility that there is something bigger then themselves. For some they can fathom it and believe in it but fear a connection to it. Others will openly seek a connection, sometimes limited to need and others yet what to become friends with that which is immortal in our eyes. Of course I speak of spiritual beings, Gods and Goddesses or for those that are Monotheists, God. (is it really necessary that I mention that? I certainly respect everyones beliefs be it that they are monotheist, dualtheist, polytheist, pantheist or a mix.)

I do pray. I pray in my own way. Sometimes I feel like I'm heard and other times I feel like they have no recognized me. I don't think it's for a lack of trying on their part. I think it's a lack of me connecting to them. I believe the Immortal one(s) are constantly in outreach.

So yesterday I prayed. I've for a very long time have favored the Greek Pantheon. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was becausei t was the first one I heard about. The Celtic Pantheon has names that seem incridibly hard to pronounce correctly because they have different sounds and stresses based on groups of letters. In a way it's like trying to learn how to speak English all over again. I'm not afraid of work, I just don't understand their system of pronouncing things correctly. I have no leanings to the Roman pantheon. Most of the Roman Gods are based off of the Greek Gods. If I didn't follow Greek, I'd probably follow the Norse Pantheon, and possibly afterwards the Mesipetamian (sp?), or Egyptian. Mind you there are stll other Pantheons one could explore. I'm also willing to accept that the Pantheon that I'm suppose to work with may not be the Greek Pantheon. And if it's not though it may be an adjustment I see no reason why I couldn't move towards a different one, even if it was a difficult transition. But these are my preferences to date.

There are Greek Gods that exist "above" and there are Gods that exist "below" The best way to get the attention of both is for myself to have the palms of my hands face up or down depending on who I am speaking with. If I'm speaking to both those that are "above" and "below" I will have one palm up and the other one down. This is what I did last night.

I've grown tired and frustrated that I have had no direction. And so I prayed. I asked that any God or Goddess that wants to work with me for whatever reason be they above or below to listen to me at that time. and I explained my frustration that I wanted guidence that I wanted to know them to develop relationships with them. It felt right and though I was laying in bed my heart was racing but it felt good. I ended my Prayer and laid there... focused and in the moment.

While laying there I heard my name called by various voices. This would seem strange to many but as far as I'm concerned it's possible to hear the voices of Gods and Goddesses. One has to be open to it though unless they are insisting that something is terribly wrong. They don't always speak with words. They can speak with emotions. The person who is trying to listen though must be willing to accept and hear any response. It's not that easy being comfortable in that position but last night hearing differnt ones call my name made me feel as if I was heard.

Earlier today I prayed again. And I asked them what they wanted me to do for them. That I didn't have a direction. If I had to make my own path then fine. If there was one that was already created to lead me to it. That i needed guidence. I needed to know what they wanted from me. Believe it or not after the prayer, i heard "peace offering" why a peace offering I'm not sure. I don't normally do offerings. and admitedly I think they are kind of silly, but I guess i can't say that until I try. But I still lack the understanding of why they said peace offering. I haven't felt any hostility towards them but it's possible that some may have started to feel hostility towards me. IF that's the case then a "peace" offering would make sense.

I don't expect anyone to understand this. Or believe me with what I've said. I know it's true and that's what is important to me. That's all that matters to me. Nothing has felt off as of yet, and I know that if something does feel off I will say no, or I won't do it. I won't endanger myself or anyone else. It's not worth it to me.

But the experiences were interesting and that's why I'm making note of them. It's not as hard to talk to (the) God(s) as one might initially think.

Expectations

2007-11-18T06:56:23Z

After I was 18 I no longer called myself a Wiccan. It wasn't a phase. I had a genuine interest in it. I found it to be refreshing in a way to read about something different. At the same time I realized that what a fair portion of Wiccan's believe I do not.
I don't believe in Karma the way that they do. I don't believe in a three fold rule, I don't believe that all gods are one God sometimes refered to as soft polytheism. I don't believe that the things I want in life can be attained through magic.
When I look at Wicca and compare and contrast it to Christianity I see similiarities. There are fundementalists of both groups some so far as saying that if you aren't part of a Wiccan group with direct ties to Britian then you can not truly call yourself Wiccan, but Wiccan influenced. That's like telling a Christian that because you aren't Roman Catholic, you aren't a Christian but Christian influenced. The only thing I can say to that, is that it's ignorant and close-minded.
However, since the time I was 18 and spent a year comfortable with not defining myself with anything except the term pagan I decided I wanted to see what paths may work for me. I've though about it but have found myself become turned off from other paths. In ways i'm fixed to certain things and not quite bending on them I'm not sure if it's fear of change or if it's something else.
For the past few years I've been trying to organize the pieces of what I expect from a religion, how i expect it to help and enable me. I haven't found the right words to express it until earlier today.

For myself I want a Religion that is progressive. It recognizes it's past, it honors it pasts, but realizes that what was useable then may not apply now. Personally i don't want to see things of what is socially acceptable to become beliefs, but it happens, and because it happens thats why I would feel more comfortable with in a religion that can recognize when some things no longer apply and can adapt. I want to have a religion that rather then forces you to believe something because they say it's true and real, you come to believe things because you have exprienced it. Much like in Buddhism that the Buddah said (and i'm paraphrasing here) that "just because i tell you to believe something doesn't mean you should. you should experience it, ask yourself questions about it, see if you find value in it and then in the end decide if you should believe in it." Asking questions about your beliefs and to challenge what you believe should be important. To take things at face value I think is a way of dishonoring yourself. I'm a firm believer that nothing can be a 100% right and a 100% wrong. Decisions are based off of circumstances and for that reason no circumstance is perfect so there is no perfect answer. The place in which a person is in their life and what the circumstance is will affect their choice. Though I don't believe that last one needs to be part of a religion that I follow, I do believe that there has to be room for ones own personal beliefs to be accepted besides their religious beliefs. When one decides to practice a religion and truly practices it it affects their entire life. I also think that science should not be pushed away from religion. I believe they are two means both trying to find answers to the same things, or things that are similar. There's nothing wrong with continuing to tell myths and stories related to a religion but it's best to examine the lessons to be learned and gained verses taking it as hard and cold fact. This happens in all religions not just some. Any religion that has myths has people that take the myths to be fact and not something that could be symbolic or have a lesson to be learned. In the religion, the one practicing should always be accountable for their actions no matter what the outcome may be.
I guess to sum it up I need a Liberal religion. I don't want it to confine and suffocate with me but grow as I grow and give me freedom to grow in the ways that best fit me.

And it may seem judgemental when i say this but I do believe there is a wrong and right way to practice religion. Those that follow with out questioning why cause me concern. I see them as sheep. You can't truly gain an understanding of something unless you feel connected to that belief in some way or form. I can't believe things blindly any more. It doesn't work. If it's expected that I follow things blindly then I wonder what they are actually trying to hide from me. There is danger in it, if I'm not allowed to question what I'm being told.

So what do I expect from a religion? I expect to be allowed to be myself and allow others to be themselves with out there being intolerance. I expect that just because i believe something doesn't mean that someone who follows the same path will believe what i do, at that point in time or ever. I expect to be allowed to grow and let my beliefs mature and change freely as they need to to best support me

I may not find what I'm looking for... and so I may need to "create" it which I can accept. But that won't be my intention at the moment. I will write what I believe, I will throw out the questions I have out into the journal and in which case is me throwing it out into the universe hoping to recieve an answer of some kind sooner then later. If it happens that I see that I'm creating something purely of my own then I will think about what I want to do from there. Until then what I believe is what I believe. I have no name to which someone will have a general Idea of what i believe after hearing it, and I accept that.
It only proves that I'm not a simple person to understand on every level and that my personality can be as cryptic as life is at times.

Back, and starting off again.

2007-11-08T07:47:06Z

To start things off I know it seems like I've abandoned this journal and in a way I did. I was trying to find something that would be comfortable for me to write and express myself and keep things organized. As the last year has gone by since my last entry I've found that having it here is the best option for me. Yes there are better sites for me to use with better features and a better way for me to organize things but this is the place for me. The reason being is that most of my journals are located on Livejournal. The people who I would want to read what I have to say are all on Livejournal. Because this journal is the most conveniant for me, as well as for them, that is why I've decided to resurrect this journal.

Now that that's off the table, on to what I really want to get off my chest and express. Of everyone who knows me they know I respect every religious or spiritual choice someone makes. I don't believe one religion is better then another. I believe that the basic tenants are the same (To be the best person you can be, while remaining to be loving and giving) for the most part. How they go about it, and the details to which they teach it are what defines and creates differences. You'd think that by knowing this we could have a universal religion but that won't ever be the case. This is due in part to different cultures, and different ideas of what is actually right and what is wrong. From what I've been able to tell depending on where you look there are examples of the different ways man has progressed, reaching the point that the western culuture has and is what has giving the western culture a large portion of it's superiority complex, but this is a completely different topic for some other time, and probably not this journal.

Over the last few weeks I've accepted that I no longer know what I am. When it comes to Paganism I haven't really practiced it but I've observed it. I haven't spent a lot of time questioning it, but accepting things at face value which isn't really a good way to practice religion. If you except things at face value with out questioning it, you're walking down a dangerous path, and you're being lead down it out of fear. If you don't question it, you aren't learning the real meaning and purpose behind it in my opinion.

I began thinking about Christianity though. Anyone who knows me well knows quite well that I have nothing against Christianity. I can't hold the crusades against Christians of today, I can't hold every Christian responsible for the negative press that has happened over the hundreds of years. For myself I believe that would show complete ignorance.

I wouldn't at this point be able to call myself a Christian. I do believe Jesus did exist. I believe he felt compelled to spread a message. I can't say I believe in the miracles at this point. I believe that they were embelishments and that what is written in the bible can't ever be completely accurate since it was written over a 1000 years after he was said to exist. To myself, the time he existed could probably be debated, but when he was born and when he spread his message isn't of a huge significance if it was before or after the period we believe it to be.
He is suppose to be the Savior. If we admit our sins and ask for forgiveness and sincerly ask for it we will receieve it. (So you all know I believe that in order to be forgiven you must forgive yourself as well. If you can't forgive yourself for your own mistakes you can not expect anyone else to forgive you, spiritual being or not.)
I have to admit that I have a hard time accepting the savior concept. It's not that I don't believe someone would sacrifice themselves for the betterment of every person to come and who will follow them, but in my own eyes I believe part of the impact of Jesus was to lead a better life. Leading a better life to me, means accepting full responsibility for my actions. I can't ask someone else to bare it for me. It's not a point of pride. It's a matter of what is right to me.
I'm not ever happy with the mistakes I make but I feel it's only appropriate to accept the consequences for them. The more I think about it, the more I believe that when handing over our sins to the Savior is a metaphorical way of saying we have to forgive ourselves.
Even if Jesus didn't actually exist, what surrounds him is strong enough (fictional or real) that it would still be something people could draw from.

I've also had to ask myself lately whether there is only one God or multiple Gods. Is there one God per solar system, per galaxy, or for the entire universe? Is there more then one God? If that's the case what do those Gods affect, what do they affect that area. What is god? Is God a spirit? An energy signature? A concept? Something within each of us? Is there actually no god, but a governmental structure of some kind that creates the "order" that their needs to be?

From there are there beings beneath God? Do they help them (God)? Do they meddle in our lives, or do they watch and keep to themselves? Does God meddle in our lives as well? How does God play into destiny? What is the extent of our "free will"? Where does god exist? On another plane? Is it a plane we can reach before death? (Which in part would mean astral travel) If planes of existance do exist, what governs them?

I have more then enough questions and no answers yet. With out some kind of answers... I can't decide where I belong, or if I belong anywhere. I'm sure there are more questions, but I can't remember them all. It's something to think about.

On that note, I shall part.

Visit from Apollo

2006-11-28T02:08:26Z

I tried to write this once, and it was rather confusing, so I'm trying once more.

I have called on different Gods before, and they come to me when I meditate. Conversations are fine and I'll receive answers if that's what I need. Other times it's not me calling them, but them calling me. When that happens it happens through dreams.
One day a few years back Hecate was mentioned to me but it was something that i let go passingly, she just came up in conversation. A few weeks later she was in a dream and telling me to get my act together or I'll have to suffer the consequence she would choose. Although she's stern I have respect for her, and she works with me often. So much so that I can tall her my patroness Goddess.
I don't/didn't have a Patron God though. Well I may end up having to correct that.
Last night I had a very short dream but extremely vivid, so much so I might as well have been awake rather then asleep. I was laying on my stomach and woke up in the dream to see myself surrounded by white feathers I murmured and rolled over to see a hand stretched out me that was the strongest male hand I had ever seen and looked up along the arm to the face that I saw and I was startled. Instantly I realized he wanted me to take his hand but by the time I was reaching to take it how startled I was rang through me deep enough to bring me out of my sleep.
So I had to do some research today to figure out who I encountered because I knew with out a doubt in my mind it was a God. I still don't have any doubts.
So I started looking at different Gods and bird associations (to try and explain the bed made of feathers) and Came across the Swan. There's only two Gods I know of that are associated with the Swan. Zeus and Apollo. It couldn't have been Zeus in the dream; the person I was looking at was young, and had no beard as like Zeus.
So I started finding other connections. Connections to Delphi which I have been drawn to for some time, the swan feathers I saw, and the fact that in the winter Apollo rides on the back of a swan and spends the winter months north - and of course it's wintery where I'm at right now, the appeared age, Apollo being known as the beardless one, as well as me thinking about griffin's lately and griffins being the keepers and guards of the gold in the north where Apollo stays. For me (along with a few other things read) seems like a blaring sign of "Hello! I'm hear to help you." The irony of it is the "awakening" in the dream to him.
Part of me is excited by this because it was unexpected but I have felt that there was suppose to be a patron God for me. Apollo may or may not be it. But for now his presence is known, which is important.
I tried to figure out my patron God one day with my Tarot cards figuring it wouldn't hurt. I asked if Zeus was and I got an odd answer of "yes and no". Artemis has been a Goddess that I have come across in meditation and dreams (meditation first, although it was purely accidental and the only time it's ever happened, but then sometimes some things aren't accidental at all) and she is the twin of Apollo, and Zeus is the father of them both. So there is a connection to the two of them, and Zeus has great respect for Hecate, so much so that I'm tempted to say he treats her as his equal. So there is an interesting twist of connectedness. Yet it's not entirely hard to find in Greek mythology.
So although I've been enjoying looking up information on Hellenism, in a round about way that continues with me gaining a deeper and better understanding of Apollo. It certainly doesn't hurt to be informed.

Until next time may the divine bestow blessings onto you.

Magic(k)

2006-11-26T06:28:27Z

Magic(k) is something that does interest me. Although I probably need to make amends and correct a statement i've made. I said It's been about 2.5 years since I did any magic(k). Well it's been that long since i did any ritual style magic(k). The Magic(k) I practice normally is all mental.
What I mean by that is that I don't use any tools, I don't call the quarters, I don't invite deities to witness the acts taking place or any other creatures, or elementals. I don't cast a circle either. My form of magic(k) is very simple. If i want something I can obtain it just by thinking it and opening the area's that one connects to within themself to manifest their desires.
I should probably explain two things as to why this works for me. The first being what magic(k) is for myself currently in the most simplistic way of placing it. Basically it's a connection to the subconscious mind which helps create the enviroments you live in, and is what forms the "reality" you live in. Reality is a subjective thing. It's not fact. It's a thing. You're reality is what you make it to be. It doesn't make it's self. it's based purely on your perceptions. So with magic, you're allowing yourself to connect to your subconcious which is creating your reality and instructing it to create around you what it is you desire. That is the most simpliest way for me to put it. Magic seems rather false when you look at it from that point because it's more psychological then it is actually "divine".
Now for many people in order to work with their subconcious they need ritual tools. things that have symbolic meaning to them, or they have read about in books that have created the associated meanings they need to start and end the ritual. Essentially opening the gateway to the subconscious and be what closes it as well. The physical objects used for the spell work are symbolic as well. thats why colors have association, people time things to the moon, objects mean certain things, symbols used mean different things, words in spells can have a symbolic flare such as "with the lighting of this candle may ____ come to be." Words are typically spoken to create focus on your intent, you're suppose to hold in your mind what you want to have happen and do so by holding a visual image of it. It seems like a rather complicated task to fullfill and it takes a few times to get "right". But the most misleading thing is the idea that you need tools at all to access yourself. The basics of casting a circle is opening a portal to the depths of yourself. You can achieve that through meditation. If you meditate at all you can connect to the "deeper" aspects of yourself your subconcious and be able to alter things there. Meditating and knowing how to connect to yourself well enough that you can do it at a moments notice to just a few moments enough to "quiet" yourself you can acheive the ability to use no tools. At least for me thats how it happened, at least partially.
After reading book and hearing them saying if you don't have an athame use a butter knife, a stick anything even your finger, i figured that if all i need was my body, and all i was trying to do was access a different mental platform I didn't need the body itself to do that.
Mental magic for me is just being centered enough with in myself to know what i want to have a focused intention well formed and there is a slight and subtle feeling of release from the conscious to the subconscious if there is no feeling of "release" i know that it won't happen and I'll try again some other time if it's important to me.
When i first realized i was doing it I thought it was an extention of my energy because it started of with simple things like "i want to talk to his person" and within a few hours to a couple of days i'd see that person... i did it in public too. Such as "this person can sit beside me on the bus." or "I don't want them sitting beside me on the bus." I could look at people and know where their bus stops where. It became a mental phenomenon to me. I even used it to aquire things i want. "I want this magazine" I wouldn't ask for it I wouldn't be near it for days and suddenly my mom will come up to me and give me the magazine saying she bought it because she thought i'd like it. I changed it from things i wanted to events i wanted to see happen. I wanted my sister to get this job or that job, my sister to go through one thing or another.
At first it all seemed coincidental so thats why i tested it, and would test it further. It borders along the lines of mental magic and a psychic ability almost.
Honestly, it's not something i go around and tell a lot of people about because it sounds like a load of Hollywood BS. It's more closer to the idea of Hollywood magic(k) then any other type of magic(k). In some ways I'm proud and pleased to have an "ability" as i'll call it to be able to do it. It means I have no restrictions.
One goal of a witch is to be able to do magic with out the use of tools, to actually be able to do it with her mind alone if she can. It's what most would love to do, some try to do, and others give up.
For myself though over the 2.5 years I've come to be unable to do magic in the traditional sense because it seems "false" in some ways. I feel like i've uncovered it for what it is, an illusion, yet at times I want to do magic that way. Partly because it is what seems like the norm. In some ways i feel like a freak because i didn't get much experience with magic and using ritual tools. I've never owned ritual tools or created my own. Unfortunatley for me I missed out on a fundemental and went to the advance and as they say it's always harder to back track then move forward but for one to be able to teach anything to know the full truths of any matter it helps to have some kind of experience or your reliant on what others can tell you and your own assumptions. Thats why it bothers me the way it does.
Along with that it's hard to have an alter where you don't have ritual tools that you use. They become decorations and tools aren't meant to be decorations and i think it would be rather disrespectful to do such a thing. So thats why I don't currently own any. With out working tools, things you use, your alter from the pagan stand point becomes more of a shrine. I know most would say an Altar is the same thing as a shrine but in my own point of view an altar is a working shrine it holds your tools, some invest their own energy into it. The altar is just a much a scared object as the tools that it holds.
And honestly having an altar is something that has been in my mind lately I can invision part of it, and I'd like something that is elegant. Most alters i've seen have missed this elegent feel to it... honestly i haven't found any all that appealing to me. And it's a taurus thing with me that I want it to be as athetically pleasing as it is functional. Most of i've seen have appeared um... tacky to me. I'm not trying to be rude, but i don't like cluttered and loud spaces it's hard to understand how anyone can focus with a space like that. But I see them as also places that are very strong representations of who the person is. But for now that's all i have to say.

Until next time may the divine bestow blessings onto you.

Suggested Pagan Paths

2006-11-23T23:33:51Z

Ahh belief.net gotta love it. I like checking every once in a while (twice or once a year to figure out where my beliefs range at) Since the very beginning Neo-Paganism has always been at the top and I'm quite comfortable with that. but it doesn't hurt to see what other close and compatable faiths are.
Seems I have a very eastern-ish feel when it comes to more main stream religions when i look at the top 5, and even with the top 10 there is a strong feel about it. Yet I have no idea what Jainism is. Something to look at some other time.

1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. Unitarian Universalism (94%)
3. Hinduism (79%)
4. Mahayana Buddhism (77%)
5. New Age (75%)
6. Liberal Quakers (75%)
7. Jainism (72%)
8. Reform Judaism (70%)
9. Theravada Buddhism (69%)
10. Sikhism (68%)
11. Secular Humanism (65%)
12. Scientology (58%)
13. New Thought (57%)
14. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (56%)
15. Bahá'í Faith (53%)
16. Orthodox Judaism (49%)
17. Taoism (45%)
18. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (39%)
19. Nontheist (37%)
20. Orthodox Quaker (37%)
21. Islam (36%)
22. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (28%)
23. Seventh Day Adventist (21%)
24. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (20%)
25. Jehovah's Witness (17%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (17%)
27. Roman Catholic (17%)
Quiz link: http://beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html

I thought this was intereseting... Hellenic incase anyone is wondering is the old greek religion before Christianity.
From my understanding about Hellenist practices there's is more emphasis on worship of the gods then on magic. There are Hellenists that don't even use magic. Magic for myself personally is not something I'm entirely attached to, i'll use it on the rare occations but the last time I did any was a couple of years back. Magic is something i think anyone from any faith can practice if they want to. Traditional witchcraft is folk magic, and some of the paths i know NOTHING about. That's partly why I have this posted here because right now I am looking at Hellenism because it doesn't hurt to expand and learn more about other faiths. and Hellenism is a reconstrunctionist Religion in case you were wondering

#1 Hellenic
#2 Old English Heathenry
#3 Finnish Paganism
#4 Slavic
#5 Numinism
#6 Celtic Reconstructionist
#7 Romuva
#8 Druidry
#9 Mesopotamian
#10 Minoan
#11 Religio Romana
#12 Traditional Witchcraft
#13 Vedic
#14 Asatru
#15 Egyptian
#16 Satanism
#17 Celtic Wicca
#18 Stregha
#19 Thelema
#20 Traditional Wicca
#21 Norse Wicca
#22 Discordianism
#23 Christo-Pagan
#24 Eclectic Wicca
#25 Dianic Wicca

Taken at: http://www.selectsmart.com/FREE/select.php?client=PaganTraditions

Anger

2006-11-22T22:45:32Z

Very recently, with in the last 24 hours I've experienced anger. Now many of us don't always see anger as a positive thing, most of us see it from a negative perspective. But anger is a far more complicated emotion then we really expect it to be.
Anger is an emotion that comes about when either we care about someone, something our ourselves in a passionate way, and feel that something is being violated for an unjust reason. We get angry when we feel we have been violated, we get angry when someone care about has been violated, and we get angry when we see that a situation has been violated in a sense.
When people argue sometimes they argue from the stance of themselves and are looking out for their best intentions over someone else's. But not always. A while ago (and by a while i mean a couple of years ago) I came to the conclusion that it was okay to express your anger. That it was healthy and normal. But my hesitation to express it was because we normally attacked others when we were angry because it's the easy thing to do, and I don't personally like attacking other people. When it comes to fighting with people attacking them verbally is no different then throwing a punch, and there's better ways to resolve the issue at hand. So I started to ask myself why being angry was so scary, but what made it okay. I had to ask why we allowed to get ourselves angry in the first place. The conclusion I came to was that anger is strong volatile way of showing you care. You care about the situation, or the person, or about yourself or a combination of those things. The small flame has turned into an inferno.
When I think anger I associate fire, when I think of depression water comes to mind. Most know that fire is said to be cleansing. It purifies and destroys what is not working any longer and creates reform. Holding on to the anger though and not doing anything to release it solidifies you. It takes fire to harden clay. It takes extreme heat and pressure to change coal into diamonds. And when you harden you affect yourself on a deep level. It does affect your spiritual life and aspects.
Hardening in such matters does hold you captive and chained to what is better left off being let go of.
When you harden in such ways you create a barrier and disconnect yourself spiritually and all other ways from the situation or person. You end up hurting yourself. When you create a barrier of indifference or numbness from those around you, you loose out on many opportunities and chances. But sometimes for a while until we know how to handle things we have this as our defense Eventually the wall has to break.
My anger is very different from many other people. When I get angry as soon as it happens my body goes cold... I feel like i'm freezing, and I start to shiver and shake. It ripples through me, and the more I hold on to it the worse it gets, eventually when I calm down and "let go" of the situation at hand the shaking stops, or it stops when I say what I really want to say, and don't really care so much about the consequences. Why I grow cold I don't know but if you've ever seen a boiling kettle shaking on a stove with only a little bit of steam escaping that is pretty much myself when it comes to my anger... A whole lot of pressure and not a fast enough way to be rid of it.
Now unfortunately for me and last nights incident towards the person I'm still upset with some comments they made and I don't want to be close to them at the moment. For a while yesterday I was numb, but I woke up this morning, and had to debate whether I really wanted to be numb and risk shutting out everyone, and I don't. So I can't be numb. But when it comes to the hurt I feel I have to come to terms with it and find out why it did.
The one good thing about anger even though people see it so negatively, is that it's a chance to see if you really know the person or situation and if you don't, what you can learn about them.

Until next time may the Divine bestow blessings onto you.

Finding a Path

2006-11-22T05:53:53Z

Lately I've been looking at other paths, you can tell that by the entries i've made talking about Chaos magic, Asatru, and the desire to study Druidism a little bit. I've also gone and looked at a few other things and I've sat back trying to figure out what I want to do. Actually I haven't been sitting back I've been freaking out.
Yesterday when I was going through my pagan book list, I realized half the books I had there were signs that i was conceding back to following a wiccan path. Am I against wiccan's? I'm not. It's just not my path. It was interesting for a while but after a while of trying to fit myself in that path, it was like being in the Jungle and the tree vines creeping thick and the more you try to push yourself through the path the more uncomfortable it got, the more resistance and insistence i felt on myself of "this is wrong." I had to re-evaluate my belief's.
At the time I was around plenty of Christians talking often about religion, which I was fine with but at one point I was wondering if I was pagan, still or if it was a lack of better understanding of what I actually believed.
This forced me to figure out what was important to me what I thought was true for myself, although it may not be true for everyone I encounter. It was and still is a long path. I'm still contending with it because there are plenty of things that go into belief's and you can't just pick and choose what you keep and throw away. You have to understand why you agree with it and why you don't and it's a long bit of soul searching. It's not an easy or always comfortable task. You end up forcing yourself to ask tricky questions, and have to try and give answers that don't have double standards.
So since starting the journal I've been looking over other paths, and some things seem like i can partially agree with and other things don't seem to be that way. But to make matters more interesting a period like this that would make most seem and feel like they are in limbo, isn't how I actually feel.
I'm more or less disappointed by the fact that I can't find anything already started for me to walk along. Basically... I'm upset because I have to create my own path and do the work myself. I can't get someone else to do it for me.
Before me I don't even need to close my eyes I see the cross roads and Hecate stands there. And rather then facing my directly she is facing me on a angle with her back slightly to one path. When i try to give indication that I want to go the way she has her back slightly turned to, she stops me. Now normally Gods don't do this. They don't tell you what path to go. It's not really for them to decide but for you to decide. Why she's doing this is probably for my own good and she's tired of the resistance I suppose. I'm one step away from being slapped and I know it. When I look towards her and indicate if I'm suppose to go the other way there is a slight smile and a nod of the head. It more or less seems like she's been waiting at the roads and is ready to usher me down this one.
I shouldn't be surprised by any of this, She has called me her equal, she has worked with individuals who she feels she can work with, who have "talents" if you want to call it that. I'm not trying to sound self important because I believe all people are equal all have strengths and all have weaknesses.
So it seems I'm to construct my own path, with my own values, my own belief's and construct it into something that makes sense and has some solid footing to it. My biggest trouble is that I like paths with some history to it and mine won't have history to it except the history I create for it. And I know it seems odd that i'd mention this but it seems Hecate is holding me accountable to my own values. To have courage and to be honest with myself. The more honest I am with myself, the more i see the paths already placed aren't really for me. Yet I still identify with being pagan. So that is where the courage comes in. If there isn't a path for you already you have to create your own, and Hecate from the impression she gives me is 1. she doesn't accept excuses, and 2. She will and does hold you accountable for everything that pertains to you and your choices. So if I'm meant to walk my own path which she seems insistent on, then I am.
If I hesitate to do this, then I know I'm going to get one huge smack upside the head. I do have to live by my values though. So some how or another I have to figure out what the first steps are to walking down my own path, to figuring out what i need to do, which seems to be to explore, debate and test the waters.
I have no idea how well this will go, part of me is curious as to what I should call the path. I have some thoughts that I'm playing with, and I know I don't have to name my path, but it's something that I'd like to do. Just so that for future references i don't have to call it "my path" but it'll seem like something that if others agree with they are more then welcome to follow. I don't want it to be something where only ~I~ can follow it, and no one else. If I'm going to make a path, (which I am since if I don't do it myself I'll end up dragged down it and it'll be a painful experience rather then a beautiful one) I want it to be something that can be shared with others.
So I guess I understand the purpose of this journal a bit more. It really is to create a path, and to help me figure out how to do it in the best possible way, and to expand myself.

Journal update:
I guess you could say that at the moment I'm apprehensive. My mind keeps flipping back and forth on things, such as whether this journal should be friends only, or public, although i think for the next while I'll leave it as public. It'll only interest those who have interest in what i believe, or those who feel the need to tell me what I should believe.
The other thing i keep swaying on is whether to move this journal or not. I don't know why I keep wanting to move it but I do. I want to share my journey with others and some how or another part of me thinks having a website all it's own would be better but I'm not paying for hosting and a domain name just yet to do this. Maybe if I'm doing this still a year from now and I see that this is something that is helping me then i'll go the extra mile and a bit to display it even further.
The other thing that keeps bothering me is whether to change the layout for the journal or not. Seems dumb, but really anyone who had experience with web design knows that the presentation of your journal affects the mood and how people take what you say. As much as it's visually appealing it does have psychological affects. So I'm trying to figure out if this is the way I want to be seen and if not what way do i want to be seen?

Until next time may the Divine bestow blessings onto you.

Communicating with the Divine

2006-11-20T00:46:05Z

Something came to mind today, that has managed to occur to me a couple of times over the last year and a bit. Communicating with the Gods and Goddesses.
Two methods come to mind for me prayer, and meditation.
Meditation on a pagan path was something that was easy for me to adopt and be comfortable, a state of relaxation to connect with all things around you, allowing you to journey further into yourself and experience the interconnected paths around you. Being that you are connected to all things around you, you're connected with the divine, allowing an open chance to communicate with them if you so choose to. You certainly don't have to use meditation for that reason, many don't but it's one of my uses for it.
The other is prayer. At first I saw it as a christian concept and was uncomfortable with the idea, yet it's no more christian as anything else. i can't think of any religion off the top of my head that doesn't have some element of prayer involved in it, so why would it seem awkward for a pagan to pray? This was something I struggled with a while back, because I wanted to but I couldn't tell if it was "okay" by pagan standards and at the time I was breaking away from wicca and starting to evaluate my belief's further.
I came to the decision that there was nothing wrong with saying a prayer, whether i light a candle or not, as long as it was heart felt that was what was most important.
Honestly I like the symbology of it. It has a way of reminding me of how something small can grow large (the flame it's self) of passion, and devotion, of spirits in general, and of dedication. The flame has a way of speaking to me that the words are burned and sent up in the sky by the smoke of the flame and as the smoke dissipates and reaches higher it begins it's affect. Lighting a candle in prayer is like simple candle magic. But even if I don't use a candle to say something i feel I need to say as long as i feel it in my heart and feel at least a little bit connected to what's around me then i feel content. I always seem to center myself before I say a prayer. I want the focus. Otherwise I just feel like I'm pleading, and oddly enough when i think of pleading, find it hard to associate any faith to it. Maybe it's the desperation of it, and what people do in desperation and the deals they try to make. Ever notice when you're that desperate you don't seem to get what you want? Makes you wonder a little as to why.
Either way I think the most important thing to do whether you use meditation, prayer or both is that you listen during and after. Listen with your entire being. When you listen you can learn a lot about the forces around you, and about yourself. Sometimes listening is the best form of thank you and sign of devotion to any deity or person.

Until next time may the Divine bestow blessings onto you.

Perfection

2006-11-13T23:17:40Z

When you hear "Perfection lies in imperfection" what comes to mind? For most I would have to assume it would be "what are you talking about?" or "how do you figure?" So may even say you're nuts if you believe that, and if that's the case well then I'm crazy, and unfortunately our paths have crossed.
We always hear that there is no such thing as perfect but I've come to disagree with that. It's a matter of how perfect is defined. Or rather what you want to get out of perfection.
If you've ever thought about a utopian society and how everything is taken care of, you don't have a shortage of anything, you're around intelligent pleasant, compassionate people, and there is a sense of peace. I have to ask two questions, have you thought about the disadvantages to such a society? And have you considered how empty life would feel?
If you haven't thought about the disadvantages of a utopian society pause for a few minutes and consider it. Think about what is lost, people would all be similar with few differences most likely, you would only know what "happiness" is yet you would never be able to define it because you don't know "sadness" all the negatives of the world become abstract concepts of "oh i've heard about that..." but you don't understand it. The professions of many people would be lost. Eventually the utopian society would loose the quality and become chaotic.
But life would lack meaning. The things we experience would become void of any meaning. We might as well be emotionless drones at that point, so a perfection like that is 1. unfeasible and 2. counter productive to human evolution and growth.
Perfection shouldn't be counter productive to human growth.
Before I decided to go and write this, i had figured it would be pointless to talk about, and tried to think of other things I could write about when out of the blue the sudden thought came across of "nearly every religious path has something to do with perfection. So it's an important topic that needs to be looked at.
My idea of perfection is where growth can happen freely. Thats why I'm against the utopian ideals as how we perceive it to be, but acknowledge the fact that we already live in a utopia.
All the things that are precious and important to spiritual and personal growth come from the distress we experience, and how we learn to cope with them. Things may seem hectic and torturous but it goes back to my entry on chaos and the value of chaos. Chaos it's self is perfect, and we are the one ones trying to control the perfection because it's not how we want it to be with out realizing that it needs to be that way.
Many of us hear that we have the divine spark in us, and we do as we have souls. thats the spark, that's what can be turned into an inferno and transform he mundane into the meaningful. And if you still don't understand what i mean by perfection lies in the imperfection then remember that we are all unique, everything on this planet is unique from diamonds to leaves, to samples of dirt, to animals to people. it's all unique, and if we can see perfection and beauty in nature with all natures imperfections then we're ultimately in the end no different.
My last piece of advice though is if you still don't agree... try looking at the world from the souls perspective for a day, tell me how things go. If you still don't agree, well then you're welcome to disagree with me.

Until next time may the Divine bestow blessings onto you.

Values

2006-11-13T01:28:47Z

Part of the reason I began this journal was so I could see where my beliefs stood, and to figure out what I agree with and what I don't that would eventually bring me to forge my own path.
Well essentially I'm doing that anyway. The more I think about it, the more I write about it, the more i immerse myself in it the more I see I am already headed in that direction, and that it's the path that I am walking.
There are some things I'm not sure I fully agree with anymore. It'll take a while of soul searching and deciding as to what is right for myself and what isn't. I may eventually end up leaving the path i've constructed to work along a more structured one. I still plan to learn about other pagan paths as there may be things I agree with that fits my own, of course it's a matter of deciding what actually fits and what just sounds nice. Sometimes things get too eclectic and it doesn't seem like there is a system to anything done.
So with that being said I already know that I personally don't agree with the harm none law, as it has some flaws, and it seems strange to me that you need this piece of "advice" to practice successfully. Magic doesn't work because you didn't hurt anyone. Someone will eventually be hurt by what you did, in one way or another. And if you always say that things can only be done if it's for the better good of all nothing will come from it. Nothing is good for everyone. Except food, water, and shelter.
I rather live by values and decide for myself if something is compatible with my values or not. With that being said I know my values are very similar to Asatru. The only thing that kind of puts me off from the Asatru path happens to be life long dedication to the Gods and Goddesses of that path, and if my path were to change well that's a bit of a conflict isn't it? But it doesn't hurt to learn about it. For all I know it may fit very well. But back to the values.
So what are my values (in no particular order), truth, loyalty, integrity, compassion, honor, self reliance, strength, courage, and knowledge.
Truth: This is not just something you speak to others, but something that you live by. Be true to who you are, and your real intentions. By holding a value of truth you are holding a value that asks you to be aware of all of your actions, and the actions around you, and to do what is right for yourself.
Loyalty: Be loyal to who you are, to your beliefs and don't compromise them for the sake of others. This is a value that is closely tied with truth. You should also hold loyalty to those that have taught you anything about the path you are on, to your family and your friends, or any person who shows unconditional support to your personal growth. If you can't be loyal to yourself, you can't expect anyone to be loyal to you.
Integrity: Admit your wrong doings, and your weaknesses, admit when you haven't been following one of your values. When you admit to your failings you open yourself up to future success. You have to work hard for what you want. You can't have anyone else do it for you or it lacks the meaning it was intended to have, and life should be filled with deep meaning, not hollowness.
Compassion: There are plenty of people around that can use a bit of compassion, someone to listen, give advice, or who can use some simple kindness. But as much as there are people that are deserving of compassion, there are times where you have to decide just how much is appropriate, as too much compassion can enable people to continue allowing others to hurt them, or hurt themselves. there is a point where the most compassionate thing to do is to show a harsher form of such. It seems contradictory but compassion in the end is to aid someone to reach their better good.
Honor: Respect yourself, those around you, and the environment you are in. Be an example for others, and for yourself and try to do the best you can to live by your highest standards. Ultimately everyone is accountable for their own actions, why not be accountable for something you can be proud of?
Self Reliance: When dealing with ones own spiritual growth, or with anything in life, one should try to rely on themselves. Being reliant on yourself when you reach some of the harder times in life helps you build trust in your surroundings and who you are. With your self reliance you acknowledge that it's you that has to reach your own goals, not anyone else, and that no one else can or will do it for you. You may need assistance at times, but that goes back to being true to ourselves. Just because you receive assistance doesn't mean you didn't do the work, it just means that someone gave you some extra needed support, and showed compassion towards you.
Strength: This is related to self reliance, but strength is something that helps create character just as much as relying on yourself does. With strength comes belief that hardships you face can be over come. but it's also something you can lend to others. Strength varies in appearance and isn't always easy to recognize. Strength leads to others feeling that they can depend and trust you, and share more of themselves with you, allowing them and yourself both to expand on different levels.
Courage: To really be able to do what you want to do, to grow on multiple levels you have to face your fears and your moments of uncertainty. You have to be willing to face those that may oppose you and find it in yourself to continue on. You have to face the unknown to find what is actually there. More often then not you will be constantly facing yourself and the restrictions you continue to impose on yourself that are unnecessary.
Knowledge: Acquire truths, learn of the mysteries around you, learn about yourself, and understand how things are interconnected. The more you know the less likely you are to take advantage of the things around you but instead you develop a stronger relationship and respect for those things in your life. The more knowledge you obtain, the more wisdom you end up gathering. Knowledge becomes wisdom when it's applied to life, so learn lessons and facts and apply it. Allow yourself to experience life for what life is, or else you won't ever "know" the mystery that it is.
These values are the main ones I live by, people that know me could probably note other ones but off the top of my head these are the ones that seem to be the ones that come into focus most often.
And incase anyone was curious as to the Asatru values they are: courage, truth, honor, fidelity, discipline, hospitality, industriousness, self reliance, and perseverance. A fairly good link as to an explanation of each one and how they are applied to the Asatru path can be found at http://www.webcom.com/~lstead/RBValues.html

Until next time may the Divine bestow blessings onto you.

Chaotic

2006-11-12T03:58:39Z

For a while now i've contemplated the possibilities of what we think is true, to be nothing more then what we want to be true. Probably one of the biggest deceptions is that a consistent order can exist, and that everything must have a pattern. I'm not saying consitancy can't exist, obviously it does, seasons continously change in the same pattern, all things go through birth, life, and death. The very basics are concisent. How it happens isn't always so.
I recently decided to start thinking about the concept of Chaos, and whether it it's affects. Not whether it was bad or good, just it's affects. It made me wonder how many of us would grow if things were peaceful, and how many of us would be left bored knowing what to expect? And is chaos the reason why people percieve that they suffer?
All in all with out chaos order couldn't exist, we wouldn't know what it would be. Order in itself would become a mystery, where we wonder why it exists. I don't think we could grow as beings with out it. Life would be boring, and if anyone tried to tell me that nature wasn't chaotic, i'd have to tell them that I didn't agree with them. Think of all the things that have happened "accidently" in nature, all the mutations animals and plants have been through.
I'm starting to see that what we have decided is reality for ourselves (since reality is nothing more then how we wish to percieve it) is what lies over the chaos and creates the frustration we have to things that suddenly end up distorted and our reality is forced to shift and come up with some "conceivable" way to explain the distortion.
Those with the constant upheavel then seem to be the ones that are the most resistant to the acceptance of chaos are lay the closest to it, that can genuinely begin to understand the untapped world that seems so forbidden. Chaos is one of lifes mysteries as it's uncontrolled and affects everything. It's the "natural" quantum physics and although I don't know much of anything about quantum physics i wouldn't be the least bit surprised if they were related in some way or another.
I'm starting to think that the upheavel people feel due to chaos and trying to keep structured lives is part of the Gods and Goddesses intent to tell us that there is a strength that any can tap into if one chose to. Most pagans respect nature and it's energies but there is a more raw energy which is Chaos, and Chaos it's self manages to infiltrate through the universe.
Part of what got me thinking about Chaos, is the fact that I'm trying to let go of wanting to plan everything and to keep everything structured. Some things have to be structured (like a work schedual since people are depending on you being there) or creating stability for a child so they feel secure, but the more we try to keep everything packaged and only allow it to affect us at certain times of the day, night, month, year I see that we begin to loose the ability to see just what lies around us that has the myserterious qualities, that we want to learn about.
I've decided while thinking about things that nature is affected by chaos but not chaos it's self.. just like you may be pagan but that doesn't mean you're Wiccan. So much like you can be pagan and not wiccan being one way street, so is chaos affects everything but nature doesn't affect absolutely everything but a majority of things. Part of me thinks that most people go towards the worship of nature because it's something that tangiable. You see it every day, nature isn't a concept but a thing. But it's a mistake that nature doesn't have a harsh side, it's misleading to believe that indigenous people worshipped nature when they were fearful of it's affects. And had gods for crops and good weather. It wasn't an essential worship because they LOVED nature, they were scared of it. just like people are scared of Chaos. If you didn't "know" better wouldn't you be scared of gods that would send down hail and freeze your crops early if they weren't satisfied with your offerings? Would you really love those gods, and the aspect of nature that you believe that they control? In all honesty I don't think I would love those gods but respect them because i felt I had to in order for my own survival. I'm not trying to say nature is something we should fear, it's something we should certainly respect, but I suppose you could say that i think worshiping nature is a half hearted attempt to see the bigger picture, and is a limited view.
So although I don't practise spells often I'm concidering learning about chaos magic which is fairly individualized (my type of thing) but before I actually begin practising chaos magic I need to work on my control.
I haven't done any spell work for 2.5 years. The work I have done has been if I think it, it'll become. And it does, with out fail. It seems i'm in a natural intunement with my surroundings, and the more control i develope the higher the degree of attunment. The more attuned i am the more i feel i'll have successful workings with Chaos magic or a system of magic that may be similliar based on my own adaptations. Most people are leary of Chaos magic because there aren't any real rules as to what is allowed and isn't allowed. And so people view it as something that is dangerous. But anything can be dangerous if in the wrong hands. It doesn't matter what it is. So to fear something because you percieve it to be dangerous is to be closed off from possibilities and shows a lack of trust in yourself.
Other then wanting to study Chaos magic and gain some "control" over my energy dealings, I'd like to learn more about different ecosystems/habitats, and study some basic quantum physics, while collecting legends, folklore, myths and fables. Seems like a rather well rounded selection if you ask me....

Until next time may the Divine bestow blessings onto you.